Today’s Minilogue Topic:  Green Day’s new broadway musical American Idiot.

In just a few weeks the show American Idiot based on the songs of Green Day will open on Broadway.

1. I’ve already seen an American idiot on Broadway.  His name is Robin Williams.

2. The musical features the Green Day song 21 Guns, which is the same amount that would have to be held to my head in order for me to go see this thing.

3. Unlike most Green Day shows, this one will begin on time.  Similar to other Green Day shows, chances are the opening act will stink.

My crack staff (me) has obtained a closer look at Sarah Palin’s now infamous hand “crib notes.” Please enjoy.

Today’s Minilogue Topic: The iPad

Today Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the new iPad. A touch screen device that’s basically a combination of a smart phone, e-reader, and iPod.

1. Now that there’s Mac’s iPad, lesser known tech company Toshiba plans on releasing a similar product called the tPon.

2. Upon hearing the announcement CEOs of Borders and Barnes & Noble immediately downloaded the “we’re fucked” app.

3. The device is said to be proof that the proper combination of imagination and technology can lead to anything. With a starting price of $500 it’s also proof that people will pay just about anything to be able to check facebook in style.

Today’s Minilogue Topic: Rush Limbaugh

Conservative broadcaster and fat piece of shit, Rush Limbaugh has lashed out at Obama for helping to aid the Haitians after their devastating earthquake, questioning his motives. He’s also told his audience not to donate to any relief efforts.

1. Limbaugh’s outlandish comments may be an attempt to cover up reports that the earthquake began when he fell out of bed.

2. Piggybacking on the Haitians’ request for clean water donations, Limbaugh has requested donations of clean urine.

3. Pat Robinson blames the earthquake on his theory that the Haitians made a deal with the devil. He blames Limbaugh’s existence on a similar deal his parents made.

Today’s Minilogue Topic: Mark McGwire

Today former A and Cardinal (and current Cardinal hitting coach) Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids throughout his career.

1. The announcement prompted the Cardinals to change the name of McGwire’s position from hitting coach to no-shitting coach.

2. In other revelation news: Amy Winehouse has admitted to frequent drug use.

3. McGwire also revealed that prior to being named a coach for the Cardinals, his job was coaching republicans how to be vague and dishonest at congressional hearings.

Today’s Minilogue Topic: 2009

Let’s celebrate the end of 2009 with a bit more major of a Minilogue, featuring a joke for each month.

January: President Barack Obama is inaugurated. It’s a new America where the best person to push through an old white dude’s agenda is a younger black guy.

February: Iceland swears in its first female prime minister Johanna Sigurdardottir who promises to turn the country’s flailing economy around. Sigurdardottir makes good on her promise by immediately driving eraser and white out sales through the roof.

March: Bernie Madoff pleads guilty.  His probable sentence is life in prison where, in the showers, he will have the same thing done to him that he did to so many investors.

April: Vermont legalizes same sex marriage.  Accordingly, Ben and Jerry immediately change the name of their popular ice cream “Chubby Hubby” to “Chubby In Hubby”.

May: President Obama announces stricter emissions regulations.  As such, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford ponders retirement.

June: King of Pop Michael Jackson dies.  Fans mourn by dressing in all black, then slowly changing those same outfits to all white.

July: Maverick and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin abruptly retires midterm saying she wants to spend more time with her family.  Husband Todd exclaims, “Great!  Now I’m gonna have two retards around the house to look after all day.”

August:  Former president Bill Clinton travels to North Korea to facilitate the release of Laura Ling and Euna Lee, two imprisoned American journalists.  Clinton calls the experience eye opening saying this prison is “nothing like the female prisons I’ve seen in movies.”

September: Republicans all over the country freak out because Obama wants to address students returning for a new school year.  They claim telling kids to work hard, study, understand the importance of education, and stay in school is blatantly pushing an anti GOP message.

October: Fossils of a 4.4 million year old man are discovered and Jesus lovers cry sacrilege.  In the meantime, Obama orders mass distribution of the H1N1 vaccine to which the Jesus lovers cry, “gimme, gimme, gimme!”

November: The New York Yankees win their 27th world championship and America finally discovers something Kate Hudson is good for.

December: Obama announces he’ll be sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, providing additional proof to a genius comedian’s point that the best person to push through an old white dude’s agenda is a younger black guy.

-See You All in 2010…Happy Holidays.

art by Joe Petruccio

Today’s Minilogue Topic:  Senator Joe Leiberman

The Senator from Connecticut is nearly single handedly holding up any progress in health care reform.  Oh, and also, he’s an asshole.

1.  Listening to Leiberman speak is like being on a bored to death panel.

2.  Last November, Leiberman suppoted McCain’s stance on the wars, economic recovery, and health care.  No wonder Obama keeps him around…turns out they agree on almost everything.

3.  I so very much hope that sometime soon Leiberman gets to make very good use of the current health care system for which he has so much affection.